If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

For as long as I can remember, the word “submission” has troubled me to a great extent. If I had to make a list of words I hate the most in English, “submission” would probably be in the top 10 (unrelated, but “germane” would also be high up in that list).

At face value, submission is not necessarily a bad thing. A certain level of compromise is necessary in every relationship, whether it is between friends, family members, or spouses. In fact, if we define submission as simply yielding to the will of another, it is hard to imagine any relationship that does not involve some level of submission every now and then.

But it seems like the idea of submission has been almost exclusively (mis)interpreted to justify the subjugation of women, and that is what I have a problem with. A common authority people cite in this regard is the Bible: Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” But, of course, they conveniently ignore the verse that directly precedes it, which says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

I’m not here to delve into a theological argument, or to convince you to interpret the Bible in a way that supports gender equality. My point is that the overemphasis on women’s submission is, in many contexts, problematic. It relies on the (implicit) assumption that women, all women, are inherently inferior to men. Submission, in this sense, is not simply an isolated instance of a woman yielding to the will of her partner on a particular issue. It requires her to perpetually surrender herself and accept a subordinate status in the relationship. The image I used at the beginning of this blog post – the man sitting comfortably on the chair with his legs crossed, the woman bowing obediently at his feet – is exactly what comes to my mind’s eye whenever someone mentions a submissive woman, even if that is not the picture the speaker intended to evoke. This may be a strong interpretation of submission, but it is not that extreme when you think about how the same cultural and religious norms that emphasise female submission also constantly push the narrative of women as inferior beings.

I find it even more interesting that some people want this submission without any conditions. Twitter – I refuse to call it X – is one of the most anti-feminist spaces I know; at least, Nigerian Twitter is (or maybe it’s just my feed). Feminists constantly get “dragged” for a lot of reasons, including saying that they will not submit to any man. But even in those cases where women essentially say, “Provide for me first and then I will submit to you”, they are still dragged. So there are people who want the submission, but without any conditions. They want to be the traditional head of the household, but they don’t want to shoulder all of the financial responsibility.

The point of this blog post is not to dictate how financial or other responsibilities should be shared in the household. As I’ve said before, I think this is a matter for each individual household to decide. My point is that the concept of submission – with or without conditions – does more harm than good. I believe that nothing can be analysed in the abstract; you always have to take context into account. And given the historic and continued marginalisation of women, it is difficult to see how enjoining women to be submissive will not result in their oppression. I am more in favour of upholding mutual accountability between partners in a relationship.

Given the historic and continued marginalisation of women, it is difficult to see how enjoining women to be submissive will not result in their oppression.

It’s interesting to me that the older I get, the more nuanced my convictions about gender, and gender roles, become. I know what is unacceptable to me, as a feminist, but I also know that what is unacceptable to me is not unacceptable to every woman – and that’s fine. Women have agency, and every woman has a right to decide what’s best for her. My notion of feminism must not align with your own. That is the beauty of pluralistic feminism, as my brilliant friend Rita has identified.

But I’m not able to adopt the same “to each their own” philosophy in relation to submission. You will, of course, never catch me using the word to describe myself, but still when I hear other women use it – or worse, other men use it in relation to women – it irks me to my deepest core. I want to marry a submissive woman. Ugh! I know it’s not my right to tell you what kind of woman you should marry, or to tell your future wife what kind of woman she should be, but I’m unable to hide my displeasure with this term, I’m sorry.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t been bombarded with the word “submission”. But unfortunately it’s always submissive woman this, submissive woman that. So, if I could permanently ban a word from general usage, it would be “submission” (and, of course, all its derivatives, such as “submissive”). As far as I’m concerned, the word does more harm than good, and we would all be better off without it.

Na so so submission. Shey we get assignment?

Simi, Woman (2021)