Since 2020, when I started my annual reflection blog posts, I’ve always known, broadly speaking, the angle from which I would approach each post. But this year was different. I started writing the post as usual, but I struggled to figure out the angle to take, because lately I’ve been battling with a feeling of … emptiness, for lack of a better word. And I’ll explain to you how I got there.

Completing My Master’s Programme

When the year started, I was just about to begin the final semester of my master’s programme. After getting through a series of assignments in January, it was finally time to start working on my thesis. I met with my supervisor, developed a plan of action, and got to work. But the deadline was all the way at the end of May, so I had a bit of time to frolic around. I attended numerous events, met new people, and even took a random trip to Budapest, Hungary in March. Life was going well.

Budapest, Hungary

Shortly after I returned from Budapest, I realised that I didn’t have that much time to play anymore. I started working more intensely on my thesis, finally conducted my interviews, and began the data analysis. At some point, I put my part-time work on hold so I could focus on my studies. Especially in the month of May, my thesis all but consumed my entire life. I would wake up thinking about my thesis, go to bed thinking about my thesis, dream about seeing the grade for my thesis. Sometimes, I would even wake up in the middle of the night to make notes because I had just gotten a brilliant idea for my thesis.

After I finally hit the “Submit” button on submission day (having stayed up the entire night before because I was scared I wouldn’t wake up in time to meet the submission deadline), I slept for hours. Then I woke up, looked myself in the mirror, and noticed how much weight I had lost as a result of the stress. And all of a sudden, I felt free. A phase of my life was finally over. It was time to enjoy summer 2024.

Summer Adventures

I resumed my adventure-seeking behaviour, going for events, meeting people, and telling anyone who cared to listen that I had just submitted my master’s thesis. In June, I went to Paris, France, and that was one of the highlights of my summer. From seeing various landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and the Arc de Triomphe, to getting lost (and almost stranded) while trying to get to Champs-Élysées, the trip was truly an adventure.

A day after I returned from Paris, it was time to go to Bilbao, Spain to attend the final symposium (and, I suppose, graduation) for my master’s programme. I would finally reunite with my friends whom I hadn’t seen since our third semester in London ended in December 2023. I would also see my parents, whom I hadn’t seen since September 2023. I was beyond ecstatic. In the approximately five months I lived in Bilbao in 2023, I had one of the best times of my life, so you can imagine how excited I was to go back. And Bilbao was everything I hoped it would be. Banter and laughter with friends. Catching up with family. Incredible picturesque settings. Juicy pintxos and tortillas. It was truly a moment I did not take for granted.

I came back to London and continued to enjoy my summer, visiting places I had never been before, catching up with old friends and making new ones, and generally having a good time. That period was definitely the highlight of my year. I was mostly care-free, but with hope and excitement at the possibility of what came next. And then, slowly but surely, everything started going downhill.

The Aftermath of Graduation

As the buzz of graduation and celebrations died down, three main things became sources of anxiety for me: visa, housing, and work. Reality had started to set in. I had finished my master’s programme and had an amazing celebration. All well and good. But now, I had to transition from a student visa to another type of visa if I still wanted to stay in the UK, I had to move from my student accommodation to a regular flat, and I had to find a flipping full-time job!

Around August, just days before my 25th birthday, I got a job offer, which I considered an early birthday present. Great! One thing checked off my list. Now, I just needed to get my visa from the Home Office and find a new place to live before the tenancy agreement at my student accommodation ended in September. And finding a new place to live was contingent on me getting my visa, because most landlords would not want to rent to you while your visa application is still pending.

I eventually did get the visa and signed my new tenancy agreement, but not without first going through some significant hurdles. I’ll spare you the details, but long story short, the period between waiting for a visa and finally moving in to my new place was without a doubt the lowest point of my year. I oscillated between feeling sad and just feeling numb. To get on with my day, I would have to constantly remind myself to breathe and that this was just a moment that would soon pass. I couldn’t wait to finally be in my flat, with my visa secured, and settled into my new work routine.

Emptiness?

In September, I finally got exactly that. I started my new job on a Monday, and received both my visa and my tenancy agreement the very next day. Everything that had been giving me anxiety for months, suddenly eliminated. Yet, I didn’t get that feeling of ecstasy I thought I would. I certainly wasn’t sad anymore, but I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. A voice kept creeping in to say, Is this it?

I had been looking forward to this moment for months. And now that I finally had everything I wanted, there was a deep sense of not quite disappointment, but perhaps emptiness. Not because I wasn’t happy with my life – what did I have not to be happy about? – but because I wasn’t as happy as I thought I would be. I had a great, flexible job that I enjoyed. I had secured my visa. I was in a flat of my own. What more could I have wanted at the time? Nothing. And yet, it was like everything had fallen into place, but something was still missing.

Because I’m simultaneously reflecting as I’m writing this post, I asked ChatGPT about this situation, and I think its response is a perfect description of how I felt:

The “post-achievement void”: The intense focus required to complete something big, like your thesis or transitioning into a stable post-graduate life, can create an adrenaline-fueled purpose. Once it’s achieved, life can feel flat by comparison.

It’s like one of those terms you never hear about until you need to, because it’s suddenly applicable to you: post-achievement void (or, more commonly, post-achievement depression, but I don’t like the connotations that come with depression, and I was certainly not sad, let alone depressed).

I tried to do things to fill the so-called post-achievement void. I met up with friends. Had some good nights out. Attended events. Yet, every now and then, I would zone out and think, Is this it? I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of emptiness. I wouldn’t go as far as calling it a quarter-life crisis, but I do know that something wasn’t quite right. I eventually settled into my new life at my new flat and new job, but the feeling was always lurking somewhere. At best, life felt mundane. I even started thinking that maybe it was just the coldness and darkness of winter affecting my mood.

I recently took a trip to sunny Marrakech, Morocco, in yet another attempt to fill the void. It was a time of reflection and relaxation, interspersed with doses of adventure, and I left there feeling rejuvenated and ready to come back to life in London. I will say that the trip helped, although I still wasn’t quite sure that the feeling of emptiness was completely gone.

Marrakech, Morocco

Gratitude

But while I was in the process of writing this blog post, I stumbled on a podcast in which one of the hosts was talking about gratitude and contentment, and it really struck me. I think that what I have been struggling with is perhaps not emptiness but discontent – an inability to appreciate what I have. The podcast host said something about recognising that the life you have right now is the life that others are praying for. But I don’t even need to go that far. The life I have right now is the life I once prayed for. Of course, there’s still a lot more to aspire to, but as of right now, there is nothing I strongly want that I don’t have. And it would be a shame to let that feeling of discontent creep in and stop me from enjoying the moment.

Upon reflection, I’ve realised that I have to be intentional about gratitude. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that you fail to appreciate your blessings. Somehow, the post-achievement void made me gloss over the most important thing: the actual achievement. So, as 2024 comes to a close, I’m being intentional about gratitude. I have come a long way since the start of the year and hit important milestones as I transitioned from full-time studying to full-time working. I’m grateful for all the experiences, both good and bad, that have characterised my year. I’ve grown a lot, I’ve learned important lessons, and I would like to believe that I’m a better person.

So, my final message to you (and to myself) is this: Be intentional about gratitude. If you’re looking for a problem, or a reason to be discontent, I’m sure you will easily find one. But it is more powerful to identify things for which you are grateful, as these things make you appreciate life more. As we end the year, I will be generating a list of things I am grateful for, and I encourage you to do the same. At least, I know one thing we all have to be grateful for: the fact that we made it to the end of 2024!

Congrats to all of us, and see you in the new year! 🥂