Some months ago, during my summer vacation in Nigeria, I went to a salon to get my nails done. Salons are an exciting place. It’s always interesting to observe the staff engage in juicy gossip and banter as they perform their tasks, not minding the customers present. I tend to mind my business in these contexts, passively observing the ongoings. But on this fateful day, I could not mind my business.
Let me set the scene for you. One of the pedicurists – let’s call him Paul – was rubbing some cream or gel on my feet. Then the nail technician who was fixing my acrylic nails – let’s call her Angela – said something about the product he was using. Maybe that he should use less of the product, or that he shouldn’t use the product yet, or something else. I wasn’t really paying attention until Paul responded,
The thing dey suck your breast?
I was shocked. Angela was visibly shocked as well. She protested, “Mind wetin you dey talk. Which kind nonsense be that?”
Paul started laughing in a malicious way, like he was super proud of the “joke” he had just made. I was getting agitated.
Other staff in the salon noticed that something was wrong, and they asked what had happened. Angela repeated what Paul had said, and to my utter dismay, every single person – both male and female – laughed thunderously. Only Angela and I did not laugh.
At this point, I knew I had to say something: Show solidarity with Angela. Clap back at Paul. Express my displeasure. Just something.
Just then, the manager of the salon came closer and asked what had happened. I had hope: Surely, the manager would reprimand Paul for his foul actions. Angela again repeated what Paul had said, and the manager responded with a vaguely stern voice, “Paul, that language is bad.”
I wasn’t satisfied with that response. I didn’t hear what else the manager said. I faced Paul and said, “I want someone else to continue with my pedicure, because it’s not funny to make fun of women.” He was still smiling, like someone who was high on cheap drugs, and he nodded. I wasn’t particularly satisfied with my response either, but it was all I could think of in the moment.
I thought long and hard after that incident about how I could have responded to better defend Angela. It wasn’t my place to reprimand Paul; he wasn’t my staff after all. But maybe I could have responded better about how that “joke” was in poor taste and showed utter lack of respect for Angela and, on a broader level, for women.
In any case, the manager apologised to me and obliged my request for a different pedicurist. I said, “It’s fine. I’m not the one who deserves an apology.” Paul later came to apologise to me as well. I repeated, “It’s not me you should be apologising to.” Obviously, I was hinting that the apology be directed at Angela, but they didn’t seem to get the hint.
Thankfully, a couple of hours later, the owner of the salon arrived and I guess the manager reported the issue to him. Paul was properly reprimanded, and he came to apologise to Angela. It wasn’t much of an apology, because he was still laughing all the while, as if he did not understand the gravity of what he had done. Some of the other staff in the salon finally got the point and started to castigate him for laughing. So I at least got some satisfaction in the fact that Paul got some sort of reprimand.
The entire situation made me more attuned to the need to speak up and defend one another as women. I don’t think I have ever been in this kind of situation before, when a woman was disrepected, she expressed her annoyance, and others joined to laugh at her. Maybe the issue wouldn’t have struck as hard if the other staff and customers in the salon did not laugh thunderously when Angela repeated what Paul had said.
I have never been a fan of offensive jokes. I think the cost of humiliating the person at whom the joke is directed always outweighs the benefit of getting a few laughs. But there is a tendency to let an offensive joke slide so that you won’t be perceived as being unnecessarily rigid or having no sense of humour. I think this sentiment is captured in this post I came across on Reddit:
Hi, when I find a joke offensive, or sexist in particular, and say it, there is always a guy telling me that it is just humour. I am just exhausted at this point.
I wrote a draft of this post almost immediately after the incident occurred more than four months ago, but I hesitated to post it for so long, because I didn’t want to be perceived as being dramatic and writing an entire blog post because of a “harmless” joke. I do think the joke was both offensive and sexist, but I was struggling to explain why. Then, I asked ChatGPT (our modern oracle) if it thought the joke was sexist, and its response could not be more apt:
Yes, that comment could be interpreted as a sexist joke. It appears to involve a sexual innuendo, suggesting an inappropriate relationship between the product being used and Angela’s breasts. It objectifies Angela by reducing her to a sexualized context, which is both unprofessional and disrespectful in a workplace setting.
But, upon further thought, I realised that it’s not even about me or whether I thought the joke was sexist. It’s about Angela. Angela was offended by the joke, and that fact alone is enough. Even if Paul made the joke with good intentions (he clearly did not), the fact that Angela was offended was enough for her to voice her displeasure, it should have been enough for others in the salon to stand in solidarity with her, and it should have been enough for Paul to apologise.
Maya Angelou said, “Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women.” I will extend that quote and say that each time a woman stands up for another woman, she stands up for all women. Normally, I like to mind my business, but when it comes to issues like this, I refuse to be silent. Now that I’ve experienced it, I hope that in the future I will be able to come up with an even stronger response if I see a fellow woman being disrespected. And my plea is this: The next time you hear an offensive or sexist joke, don’t laugh at the person who was disrespected; instead, try to defend them however you can, particularly if they express their displeasure about the joke.
Enjoyed this post? Hit the ‘Subscribe’ button below to get notified of new posts via email!
Email’s not your thing? I gatchu! Follow this blog on social media: @kikibyrukky.
KIKI 